Our hearts still hold you

In September I felt pause in my heart, but no words to speak. March is creeping closer and closer and it feels lonely. I'm huvering between the two markers. I don't feel hopelessness, for there is hope in Christ. I don't feel swallowed in grief, those days have passed. I just feel grayish, a little now, and then.

A month ago I found a journal entry that feels like an ache that won't be fully soothed. It reads

"Tomorrow it will be one week since we found out that this little babe won't be held in our arms but only in the arms of Heaven." There is more.

How do I end this? I'm not seeking words of comfort, I think I'm just working through feelings by writing about them.

I thank you Lord for the three loud, bouncing, energy sapping, tender-hearted boys that you have blessed us with. And we send our love to the babe only our hearts have held.

Trace Upon Our Hearts

September the 17th, 2007. This date marks the day we anticipated as the birth of our heart's child. As all we are left with is a trace of this wee one, so our babe was named. Trace.

It's hard to keep from imagining this babe among us, living and sharing breath with our family. When people ask how many kids we have, I long to say three, but somehow I don't think it's polite conversation to bring grief into a conversation with someone I've just met. My heart says we have three!

Dear Jesus, please whisper our love into the ear of our sweet Trace. Thank you for the opportunity to feel once more and share the love You've freely given to us.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Trace: A mark or sign of the presence or passage of some person, thing, or event.

The time we had

I read this in a book that was a gift to us called "An Empty Cradle A Full Heart" by Christine O'Keeffe Lafser. It explains some of my feelings:

"How anxious I was for the pregnancy to be over. How impatient I was for each day to pass. Little did I know that those were the only days I would have with you. Why did I wish them away instead of savoring each moment we had together?"

It seems like pregnant women are everywhere these days. I don't have resentful or jealous thoughts towards them, I just think . . . three weeks ago, I was pregnant too. But there is no physical proof - it's like my body has already forgotten. Except for my arms, they are aching.

Mood

Gray day . . . gray mood.

Give thanks

"We ought to give thanks for all fortune: If it is 'good' because it is good, if 'bad' because it works in us patience, humility and the contempt of this world and the hope of our eternal country."
-C.S.Lewis

Sweet Babe of our hearts

We went to the doc today for our first (finally made through the first trimester) doctor appointment where we would get to hear the baby's heartbeat. Only . . . there was no heartbeat to be heard. A ultrasound confirmed that our babe is no longer here with us but safely tucked in Heaven. I will always remember staring at that ultrasound screen, wanting to breath the words "Move, just move! Show us you're alive." We're a little unsure how this grief process goes . . . but for now, though our hearts are so heavy and a bit unsure, we have every confidence that God is a loving God and that He is in control. A member of our family awaits us in Heaven.


We can't wait to meet you sweet babe of our hearts.
Love,
Mama & Papa